Platypus Past: Bachelor Cooking
Having been married for several years now, I can begin looking on my bachelor past with an "outsiders" perspective. One of the interesting things I've noticed while being married is the different approach my wife and I have to cooking. My wife actually learned How To Cook is quite good at it. Give her a recipe and she can make just about anything. I had to pick up bits and pieces as I went along. I call my style of cooking "bachelor cooking," and the first rule is that there are no recipes.
The main goal of the bachelor cook is to get filling food on the table quickly and in a way that elevates him above the mere ramen-and-t-bell-forever caveman. This goal often has to be achieved in the context of a communal environment with other bachelors where what food is available at any given time may vary widely. This means that formal recipes are out. Instead, the bachelor cook needs to adopt a more open and creative approach to food.
A bachelor cook sees a meal as consisting of three main components: starch, meat, and veggies. When first examining the kitchen cupboards, a bachelor's job is to identify various foods that can fit in the three categories. It may look something like this:
1. Starch: tortillas, white bread, potatoes
2. Meat: ground beef, a chicken breast, a sausage
3. Veggies: peas, tomato soup, onions
There's a lot we can do here, especially if we add a bachelor's second best friend: cheese. If you have cheese and tortillas, or cheese and bread, you've got the base for any fill-in-the-blank quesadilla or grilled-cheese/pattie-melt. Add canned tomato soup and you're good to go. Make sure to pep up that canned soup with oregano from the cupboard. That may seem to easy, however. Crossing off the two obvious starches and the ever-helpful cheese, let's see what we can do.
Potatoes are wonderful things. Sure they're more work to render into food than bread, but not by much; just a little slicing and boiling. Let's try mashing our potatoes and boiling up some of that sausage and using the peas for our side dish. If you've got mustard, all the better. Substitute the sausage for a chicken breast for a more traditional meal. We can also take our ground beef and combine it with our peas, onions, and mashed potatoes in the oven to make a shepherds pie. For sauce, simply combine whatever condiments you have in the fridge (ketchup+mustard+relish or ketchup+salsa).
This, of course, is just one example. In bachelor living, the straits can be far more dire; especially if roommates are involved. To be prepared, a bachelor should always keep a stash of "emergency food." This is food that is cheep (and thus can be bought in bulk) and with a long shelf life (so it can be stockpiled). Essentials include: canned tomato soup, canned chili, canned or frozen peas, mac and cheese, ramen, canned beans, rice. With these items in the hold, you can be sure of a tasty meal no matter what's left in the house. For instance:
1. Ramen+eggs+frozen vegetables= soup
2. chili+mac and cheese= cheesy chili mac
3. canned beans+ham/bacon+sandwich bread= tasty ham sandwiches
4. canned soup+grilled cheeses/quesidillas= self-explanatory
5. beans+rice+sausage+onions+salsa= red beans and rice
6. chicken+oil+mac and cheese+peas= fried chicken with sides
All this, of course, is born out of desperation and failure to coordinate communal meals based on vastly differing work schedules. It's a survivors skill -but it can become an art. The married man relies on meal plans and shopping lists, but there is always the unexpected. When the wife gets sick or is away, or a shopping trip gets missed, or both spouses have a spike in their work hours, the old ways come back. Even as a married man, bachelor cooking can save the day. Just remember, when it comes to food, "there is in fact always something in the house."
The main goal of the bachelor cook is to get filling food on the table quickly and in a way that elevates him above the mere ramen-and-t-bell-forever caveman. This goal often has to be achieved in the context of a communal environment with other bachelors where what food is available at any given time may vary widely. This means that formal recipes are out. Instead, the bachelor cook needs to adopt a more open and creative approach to food.
A bachelor cook sees a meal as consisting of three main components: starch, meat, and veggies. When first examining the kitchen cupboards, a bachelor's job is to identify various foods that can fit in the three categories. It may look something like this:
1. Starch: tortillas, white bread, potatoes
2. Meat: ground beef, a chicken breast, a sausage
3. Veggies: peas, tomato soup, onions
There's a lot we can do here, especially if we add a bachelor's second best friend: cheese. If you have cheese and tortillas, or cheese and bread, you've got the base for any fill-in-the-blank quesadilla or grilled-cheese/pattie-melt. Add canned tomato soup and you're good to go. Make sure to pep up that canned soup with oregano from the cupboard. That may seem to easy, however. Crossing off the two obvious starches and the ever-helpful cheese, let's see what we can do.
Potatoes are wonderful things. Sure they're more work to render into food than bread, but not by much; just a little slicing and boiling. Let's try mashing our potatoes and boiling up some of that sausage and using the peas for our side dish. If you've got mustard, all the better. Substitute the sausage for a chicken breast for a more traditional meal. We can also take our ground beef and combine it with our peas, onions, and mashed potatoes in the oven to make a shepherds pie. For sauce, simply combine whatever condiments you have in the fridge (ketchup+mustard+relish or ketchup+salsa).
This, of course, is just one example. In bachelor living, the straits can be far more dire; especially if roommates are involved. To be prepared, a bachelor should always keep a stash of "emergency food." This is food that is cheep (and thus can be bought in bulk) and with a long shelf life (so it can be stockpiled). Essentials include: canned tomato soup, canned chili, canned or frozen peas, mac and cheese, ramen, canned beans, rice. With these items in the hold, you can be sure of a tasty meal no matter what's left in the house. For instance:
1. Ramen+eggs+frozen vegetables= soup
2. chili+mac and cheese= cheesy chili mac
3. canned beans+ham/bacon+sandwich bread= tasty ham sandwiches
4. canned soup+grilled cheeses/quesidillas= self-explanatory
5. beans+rice+sausage+onions+salsa= red beans and rice
6. chicken+oil+mac and cheese+peas= fried chicken with sides
All this, of course, is born out of desperation and failure to coordinate communal meals based on vastly differing work schedules. It's a survivors skill -but it can become an art. The married man relies on meal plans and shopping lists, but there is always the unexpected. When the wife gets sick or is away, or a shopping trip gets missed, or both spouses have a spike in their work hours, the old ways come back. Even as a married man, bachelor cooking can save the day. Just remember, when it comes to food, "there is in fact always something in the house."
Comments
Hilarious and quite true-to-life, Jim!
One thing you failed to emphasize is that the ideal bachelor meal has a good time-to-make:time-to-eat ratio with additional attention paid to maximizing the time-to-make:tastiness ratio. When a bachelor is in the kitchen looking for something to eat, it is because he is already hungry. Thus he is not interested in spending a lot of time fixing his food. This is why ramen noodles are such a bachelor staple, since it takes such little time to prepare (and he can even do something else while he waits for the water to boil). A bachelor will never make homemade lasagna (unless he is trying to impress some Slimy girlS) because while it may have a very high tastiness factor, it is such a labor intensive process to make and then needs lots of time to bake.
I couldn't have put it better myself. When it comes to complex meals like lasagna, it's all about the Stoffers. Even fried chicken turns out to be cheep enough when split four ways and with a coupon to justify a KFC run. Quick and tasty are essential factors to bachelor cooking. If it isn't quick and it isn't tasty, there's always enough money to eat out. That's why they have "dolla" menus.