Setting: A Higher Plane of Noetic Consciousness
John Piper, Pope Benedict XVI, and the Ecumenical Patriarch stand/hover/exist before three ornately carved podiums.
Enter Simon Peter with Fanfare and angels attendant bearing his keys.
Simon Peter: I am come now even from the Eternal Presence here to dispose a matter of great import. Know you that in the Highest Heaven it is decreed that the Lady who has been twice wounded shall now be made most whole. Therefore, gird yourself most manfully to make answer to the question I will now present, for upon your reply does rest the state of Christendom entire. For be it known that whosoever of you givest that reply which in my Master's sight is most seemly and most true shall even so win for his party the keys wherewith all authority to loose and bind resides.
Benedict XVI: Most gracious Apostle and primary holder of that see in which now by Grace Divine I sit, we are most eager and most obedient to accept thy divine inquisition.
Ecumenical Patriarch: Aye, 'tis so.
John Piper: 'Tis so.
Simon Peter: Thy three-fold reply, yet one, doth agree most behoovingly with my charge. Therefore, make your reply with such holy alacrity as is fitting to the divine query: "What is to be done with N.T. Wright?"
Benedict XVI: We must treat him with all charity as we would be treated.
John Piper: We must refute him in all love.
Ecumenical Patriarch: I'm sorry, who the heck is N.T. Wright?
N.T. Wright: (entering stage right) Grant him tenure!
Simon Peter: Right Tom. Take the keys and off you go.